It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
