I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
