He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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