even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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