he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
