Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
