There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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