Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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