if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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