My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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