i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
