Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
