Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
