...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
