Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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