Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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