I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
