i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
