Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
