tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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