Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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