you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
