everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My legs feel like baby dolphins
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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