WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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