I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
