Non-Jews are for practice
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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