Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
