I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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