Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
