also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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