I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
