i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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