well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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