Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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