see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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