Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
