did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
