i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize