All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
