i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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