he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
