I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
