You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
