I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
