i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
