I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
