I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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