You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
