he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
