I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize