I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
