My liver just broke up with me...
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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