Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize