I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I supernannyed him into submission
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