I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
